All worn out

Since I am the most computer challenged person ever it has taken me over 20 minutes of resetting my password to finally be able to post a new blog---I am all worn out. 
Much has changed since my very first blog.  I found out this Christmas that I will be a Nana to yet one more O'Malley baby.  Kim and Brandon are expecting again (just one this time) in the beginning of August.  I hope to be able to be there but the complications of being a full time caregiver to Momma may conflict with that.  I am not sure anyone fully understands the complexity of being the sole person that another human being relies on.  My girls have in the past taken care of my mom for a rare weekend away for me.  Renee and Anna were forced into taking care of their Gramma when I went back to be with Kim when the twins were born.  Momma was supposed to go to a hospice approved nursing home for 4 of my 7 days in DC; however, shortly after Renee checked her into the home she pulled her back out as the staff had refused to give Momma her meds or food until she was officially checked by a doctor.  I still remember getting the phone call from Renee:  "Mom, I don't want you to freak out or anything but.....".  Renee and Anna were my saving grace and pulled together after yanking Mom out of the home and along with Rachel they worked their various schedules to take care of Gramma Sue.
Since that episode 3 years ago I have only taken a break once in a great while.  It is overwhelming the guilt that goes with a 'weekend away'.  I feel as if I am shirking my responsibilities off on my kids when I leave.  They are amazingly kind to offer even though they will tell me as soon as I get back "I don't know how you do it day after day".  Sometimes just that small break of less than 48 hours not only saves your sanity, but it rejuvenates one's soul for a brief time.  And then there is the guilt that comes with leaving the one you care for day after day.  My mom fully understands the demands of daily caregiving as she has been the caregiver herself to three other dying people.  She took care of her own her mom for 3 years which involved living 3000 miles away from me and my girls.  She also took care of her Uncle Matt during the last year of his battle with lung cancer and once again for  my Gramma Kaeser who was ravaged with Alzheimer's disease.  My Momma would put on a brave face when I would steal those weekends away, but deep down inside my gut I knew that those weekends caused her great anxiety.  She knew how crucial those times away were for me, yet she also felt embarrassment for knowing that her grand daughters were having to clean, feed and take care of her most humiliating needs. 
It is times that this that I truly miss having a man in my life.  While David greatly failed me in the faithfulness category, he was at least a body to lay next to at the end of a tough day.  He may have been pursuing another woman during the day with cards, calls and text messages, but after a day of caring for Momma he was the body who I curled up to at night.  After David left I could not sleep in my bed at night.  I found solace in falling asleep on the couch with the lulling noise of the TV.  Almost 5 years later I still find myself falling asleep on the couch watching tivoed shows of Jacques Pepin.  One day I hope to find a wonderful loving man who will love me for me and once again  bring me to fall asleep in a bed. 
It is a beautiful morning here in Huntington Beach CA.  If I were not a caregiver I would make the 3 minute drive to the beach and spend a good hour walking on the beach and picking up shells for Jack and Cullen.  That reminds me that I have a package to send to my completely wonderful twin grandsons.  In the meantime, I will hop in the shower and await the ringing of my Mom's bell.  She rings her bell in the morning when she has finally awaken and is ready to get up, use the bathroom and have her couple sips of coffee.  Sometimes I resent the ringing of the bell, especially when it rings within a half hour of me putting Momma to bed.  But I know in my heart of hearts that I will one day miss the ringing that darn bell.  There are even times when I get away on those weekends by myself when I wake up in  hotel room miles away from Momma when I hear that bell.  I am thankful knowing that when Mom goes on to be with God, she will no longer be betrayed by her disease and no longer reliant on me the caregiver.  She will no longer have to ring a bell to help her arise in the morning.  She will be fully capable of awaking in the morning and spending her day praising God.  New body, new dreams, new hope all for you Momma.

First time for everything

This blog will probably never even get viewed, but I hope to use it as a way to express some of the emotions that are involved with being a 'caregiver'.As far as I remember,   I have been a 'caregiver' since the day my oldest Kimberlee was born, probably even years before that, but I will acknowledge the day Kim was born as my official start of caregiving.  Kimmie is now 25, going on 26 years old and the day she was born was of of the most joyous days of my life.  Kim has shown to be a mom after this mom's own heart.  I also will admit that the births of my 3 other daughters were equally wonderful.  I seem to have been blessed by God with 4 of the most incredible daughters a mom could ever ask for.  They all possess the qualities of strength, wisdom, caring, nurturing, compassion, independence, intelligence, silliness, but most of all a love for God and His Word.  Rachel has always been my emotional daughter.  Though many may see her as the most independent, she has always been my sensitive one.  Some people may view 'sensitive' as a slightly negative label, but I have news for all those people.  Being sensitive has allowed Rachel to view the world in a rare way.  She has the greatest compassion for those in the world who are suffering, yet she will never allow her own feelings of hurt to truly show.  I feel that she sometimes carries a huge weight on her shoulders. The world needs more people like her.  Renee is my third daughter and she is my "I told you more than I should have" daughter.  I find myself looking to Nene as one of those very trusted people that you can truly share with. No one can try to be the peacemaker like Renee.  She will make the crappiest day seem wonderful.  How many moms have a daughter who is one of the few people she talks to??  She and Anna know when I am hiding (or lying) about the way I really feel.  Anna is my 'baby'.  She was her dad's last hope at a boy, but I praise God all the time that she was a girl.  She is the true version of a 'trooper'.  She loves others so much that she will bury her own feelings and go out on a limb for anyone (especially her own mom).  Anna will eventually speak her mind, but only when she feels it is called for.  Thank you Anna for calling me out when I need it the most. 
So now you know a little about the daughters God has placed in my life.  I feel overwhelming thankfulness for each of them.  I have also been blessed with grandchildren.  I will never be able to put into words the emotions I have for my twin grandsons and my granddaughter Violet.  Jackson and Cullen (twins boys) were my first journey into being gramma (or as I am known as Nana).  I really wanted to be called Gramma Ortiz, but Kim had such wonderful memories of her own Gramma Ortiz that she told me there would only ever be one Gramma Ortiz.  So I am now known as Nana.  I will accept this title with honor as I am overwhelmed with emotion at the thought of being any sort of a grandparent to these precious children.  I will now use this opportunity to say "bring on the grandchildren" .  There seems to be this overabundance of love for these little creatures called "grandchildren". 
I have claimed the title of "caregiver" for the sheer fact that I have been giving 'care'  to my own mother for over 3 years now.  My mom was officially diagnosed with a very rare and humiliating disease in October of 2008.  The mother who I always looked to for love and guidance was finally diagnosed with Progressive Supranuclear Palsy two days after my  dad died from melanoma.  For over a year before her diagnosis, my mom had been told she had suffered a stroke.  While trying to hold my marriage together, I had been taking my mom to the stroke center in Palm Springs and we were both frustrated with the results.  Well, of course someone would be unhappy with the results of stroke therapy when the diagnosis was incorrect. While I may hold a great deal of bitterness for the married woman my husband of 24 years left me for, I would never even wish my Mom's disease even on her.  My mom suffers from a disease that  is progressively breaking down every single nerve and muscle in her body.  So as a 'caregiver' I will proceed to write this blog.   Forgive me for the sadness as long as the misspelling and the grammar mistakes I will be making.  I pray that one day  if one single person reads this, they may find some weird sort of comfort or healing from this depressing or as I call it the healing blog of a caregiver.    May God bless every single person who is caring for a parent.   More from me and my rather odd and depressing sort of life..  May the love of God shine upon all us us.