Since I am the most computer challenged person ever it has taken me over 20 minutes of resetting my password to finally be able to post a new blog---I am all worn out.
Much has changed since my very first blog. I found out this Christmas that I will be a Nana to yet one more O'Malley baby. Kim and Brandon are expecting again (just one this time) in the beginning of August. I hope to be able to be there but the complications of being a full time caregiver to Momma may conflict with that. I am not sure anyone fully understands the complexity of being the sole person that another human being relies on. My girls have in the past taken care of my mom for a rare weekend away for me. Renee and Anna were forced into taking care of their Gramma when I went back to be with Kim when the twins were born. Momma was supposed to go to a hospice approved nursing home for 4 of my 7 days in DC; however, shortly after Renee checked her into the home she pulled her back out as the staff had refused to give Momma her meds or food until she was officially checked by a doctor. I still remember getting the phone call from Renee: "Mom, I don't want you to freak out or anything but.....". Renee and Anna were my saving grace and pulled together after yanking Mom out of the home and along with Rachel they worked their various schedules to take care of Gramma Sue.
Since that episode 3 years ago I have only taken a break once in a great while. It is overwhelming the guilt that goes with a 'weekend away'. I feel as if I am shirking my responsibilities off on my kids when I leave. They are amazingly kind to offer even though they will tell me as soon as I get back "I don't know how you do it day after day". Sometimes just that small break of less than 48 hours not only saves your sanity, but it rejuvenates one's soul for a brief time. And then there is the guilt that comes with leaving the one you care for day after day. My mom fully understands the demands of daily caregiving as she has been the caregiver herself to three other dying people. She took care of her own her mom for 3 years which involved living 3000 miles away from me and my girls. She also took care of her Uncle Matt during the last year of his battle with lung cancer and once again for my Gramma Kaeser who was ravaged with Alzheimer's disease. My Momma would put on a brave face when I would steal those weekends away, but deep down inside my gut I knew that those weekends caused her great anxiety. She knew how crucial those times away were for me, yet she also felt embarrassment for knowing that her grand daughters were having to clean, feed and take care of her most humiliating needs.
It is times that this that I truly miss having a man in my life. While David greatly failed me in the faithfulness category, he was at least a body to lay next to at the end of a tough day. He may have been pursuing another woman during the day with cards, calls and text messages, but after a day of caring for Momma he was the body who I curled up to at night. After David left I could not sleep in my bed at night. I found solace in falling asleep on the couch with the lulling noise of the TV. Almost 5 years later I still find myself falling asleep on the couch watching tivoed shows of Jacques Pepin. One day I hope to find a wonderful loving man who will love me for me and once again bring me to fall asleep in a bed.
It is a beautiful morning here in Huntington Beach CA. If I were not a caregiver I would make the 3 minute drive to the beach and spend a good hour walking on the beach and picking up shells for Jack and Cullen. That reminds me that I have a package to send to my completely wonderful twin grandsons. In the meantime, I will hop in the shower and await the ringing of my Mom's bell. She rings her bell in the morning when she has finally awaken and is ready to get up, use the bathroom and have her couple sips of coffee. Sometimes I resent the ringing of the bell, especially when it rings within a half hour of me putting Momma to bed. But I know in my heart of hearts that I will one day miss the ringing that darn bell. There are even times when I get away on those weekends by myself when I wake up in hotel room miles away from Momma when I hear that bell. I am thankful knowing that when Mom goes on to be with God, she will no longer be betrayed by her disease and no longer reliant on me the caregiver. She will no longer have to ring a bell to help her arise in the morning. She will be fully capable of awaking in the morning and spending her day praising God. New body, new dreams, new hope all for you Momma.
